D I A R Y

26/10/26 - Walking in CSS circles

so far i have deleted and re-written the oc page css a total of three times. i'm getting there like, it hasn't been for nothing so i'm hoping some propper progress will be made any day now. honestly at this point the js isn't even am issue. i know what i need and i know how to get it done, the big problem now is that css is really getting on my nerves; specifically lists and buttons. i think i've figured the nav bar i like out but i still gotta make them and the text on the page get along.

in other news, i've realised that the next page after oc is gonna have to be the credit page. i don't really get the social stuff of neocities like the buttons and that but i realise now that it's kinda really important. i'm not gonna do it yet like, gonna keep going with oc before i even consider a design for the credits.

last topic of conversation!!! progress has been so slow lately because i kinda freaked myself out with the oc shiz and this site started to feel like something i had to do, not something i was doing in my free time for funziez. so! i took a break, played games, watched some new shows and movies and now my heads back in the game. for now. the last thing i wanna do is attach stress and anxiety to this of all things. be a little ironic eh?

21/10/26 - I am not fond of CSS

it's been almost a week not since i've been working on the oc page layout and my god, how is it this difficult to get things to work. don't get me wrong, i'm sure the solution is simple; i just wanna complain. it's reached a point where the css is completely jumbled and at this point, i'm just gonna start from scratch. this page being functional is an honest to god miracle. does it look as good as i think it could be? no. does it work? YES.

i tried to just copy the code from here to the other pages as a stand in while i figure out how i wanted them to look but no matter how much i tried, it just wouldn't listen to me. like, i'd try to just change the name of the entry id's and all of a sudden it'd become immune to the css. just flat out ignoring it despite removing everything but the specific css that should apply to it.

it ain't much better now like; my new breaking point has been the width command just not apply. flat out ignored. can't figure out why. so fuck it, reset. html and js is working as it should at least so it's not a complete write-off. just gotta figure out how to make this shite work. or change the design. either way, new start. hooray.

19/10/26 - Recognising depression

not the best/clearest title but it's the best i can think of lol. i'm a little worried that all of the entries will just end up being depression related but it's worth talking about in my humble opinion.

one of the aspects of depression that i feel like isn't mentioned anywhere near enough is that when you are depressed it can be difficult to accept that you need help due to the fact that you can't recognise just how bad things have become. i remember years ago when i wasn't fully aware of how bad my mental was, i'd see these two women pop up on my feed every now and again. they usually just sat in their car and laughed about something, i honestly can't remember the videos all that well. anyway, one time a video of theirs showed up and started like usual. it didn't really catch my attention until one of the women mentioned her reaction to something bad happening was by default "that wouldn't have happened if i was dead". i'm paraphrasing but it was along those lines. she said it expecting it to be a relatable reaction. what actually happeneed was that her friend immediately stopped laughing and was confused/concerned. they then awkwardly addressed it and moved on, keeping the tone light hearted.

and there i was, doomscrolling, trying to distract myself from the fact that everything would be easier if i was dead. at that point, these thoughts were the default reaction to everything as if it were painfully obvious. i knew the frequency of them was unhealthy, but what i didn't realise until i saw that video was that the thoughts themselves weren't normal. to me, thoughts like that were the norm; i was so sure that everyone thought like this every now and again and that it was just something i had to pass off. i told myself over and over that other that people needed resources i would be wasting if i asked for help. that since others had it worse than i did, i should just toughen up.

and here i am now, playing catch-up with the world and people my age because i couldn't see past my own self-loathing and thought that for whatever reason i didn't deserve help. that i wasn't worth it.

moral of the story is!...... talk to your friends. just check in with them every now and again. if someone you care about is/has been saying things that are worrying you, address it. even if it feels awkward or intrusive, just ask if they are okay at least. showing that you care can help to save a life! toodles!

17/10/26 - Man or Bear

i kinda forgot about this hypothetical till the other day when i saw someone bring it up in a tiktok comment. i'm considering just deleting tiktok now due to how fuckin dumb some people are. or i guess loud would be the better term? people have always had shite opinions online but it's just none stop with how politics are today.

if you don't know about the man or bear debate/ scenario it goes like this; would you rather be stuck alone on a trail with a bear or a man? simple as that. the obvious answer is bear right? apparently not to the vast majority of men you see commenting or posting about it online. this was a popular thing a good while ago but every now and then you see guys bring it up and at this point all this shit is just dissapointing. i understand that teens are easily convinced by this shit but it's grown men spouting bullshit about women hating men due to them choosing the bear, thus influencing the teens who then proceed to spout the same shite. do the vast majority of guys just not think?

for anyone reading this who dosen't get why the bear is the choice women go with, here's how it is. what's a bear gonna do worst case scenario? kill you, duh. but that's it. it'll kill you and eat your corpse, because it's a bear. there's no vile intent, it doesn't wish you harm because of who you are, it isn't doing it for some sense of power or pleasure, it's a bear. it'll die if it dosen't eat, so it must eat.

now consider what the worst case scenario would be if it were a man. sure, most would just walk on by, but if you lose that gamble and this guy decides he wants to harm you, what could he do? i'm not gonna start listing shit because that'd get depraved very quickly but easy example, he could murder you. the immediate difference here is that he doesn't need to, he wants to. there is some form of power/pleasure/control that man wants for no other reason than a vile, twisted desire and he wants to take that from you by hurting you. and that's the nicest option you could get.

i feel like this is gonna come off as disingenuous reading it back but it's seriously concerning. i am honest to god terrified of my brother falling for some of this shit. hell i almost did back when i was a teen. i soaked up all those videos of women crying at trump being elected the first time around. it's something i'm genuinely ashamed of but that's the whole point of this page right? the truth and all. i never spouted the shite those videos promoted but i watched them. it's actually kinda appauling how ignorant i was looking back. i never questioned why those women reacted with so much fear and dread. i don't actually think i realised that was what they were feeling in those videos. guess i just thought they were upset that they didn't "win" maybe? that is how they would be depicted if you wanted a child to dislike them i suppose. hence why i'm afraid of my brother being exposed to this shit nowadays. it's only getting worse and worse and i don't know what to do to shield him from it. i just have to hope i can see it if it crops up and cut that shit short. i hope i've set a good enough example thus far at least.

i don't really know where to end this now lol. i'm kinda spiraling to be honest. this site helps but i wish i was talking to a person y'know? but even if i was talking to someone i dunno if i could be this honest; plus i'd just feel like i was burdening them with a bunch of shite they couldn't care less about. that or they'd think i was lying for some reason. i feel sick. i don't know what to do with this kind of anxiety anymore. i used to distract myself from these kinda uncomfortable thoughts by daydreaming about killing myself but now i don't really have a way of hiding. which is good! doesn't feel good but i know it is.

god i'm lonely.

15/10/26 - No new pages for a while

i can't lie, this has kinda pissed me off and has really taken the wing out of my sails. i'm not gonna give up at the first set-back like, it's just gonna take a while for me to muster the effort.

okay so, problem this time is, for whatever reason when i try to add anything to the diary code on vs studio, it just straight up ignores the dentry class. Like i can't change the CSS at all. the initial plan was to have everything share the same design for a while until i could develop my skills a little more; i'd then give each page it's own design.

because of this however, i think i'm just gonna have to skip straight to making each page from scratch. i've tried everything i can think of including picking the code appart but i guess i have to be missing something somewhere. making this page was a pain as is so i think i'm gonna take a break if i can't sort this.

i'll still update this like, it#s just gonna have to be all i can update for a long time.

sozz.

13/10/26 - Oc/Writing update

i have made a ground breaking decision regarding my oc backlog of 30 something entries. i am simply... not gonna do it. cannot for the life of me be arsed.

instead! i think i'm just gonna start from where i'm at and re-write the ideas i have in a more complete description. it might turn out as just one huge entry but i'm gonna explain all of it from the start plus a couple disconnected ideas that i'm gonna chuck in their own category.

first though, still gotta make the page, which is what i'm gonna start with now.

god i hope this will be as simple as i hope.

12/10/26 - Depression and Memory

head's up, this is gonna be pretty explicit with mentions of suicidal ideation/thoughts and just a bunch of tmi very sad, kinda pathetic stuff. please skip this if you aren't comfortable reading this stuff, this is probably the most depressive stuff i'll write on this whole page but we'll see.

i struggle with maladaptive daydreaming all day every day. lately i've been stuck on the idea of writing an entry talking about this and i'm pretty sick of monologuing to myself about myself so fuck it, hopefully this gets it out of my system.

my memory surrounding high school is foggy at best. i can visualise it okay enough, i know what happened but when it comes to specifics things get too blurry to see. i struggled with poor mental health literaly straight out of year 6 so it isn't all that shocking. i can't say the same for my time in sixth form.

no matter how hard i try, i can't remember anything from maybe ages 16 to somewhere around 19.

the clearest memories i have are not so much memories but more facts(?). like, the best way i can describe it is to give an example:

i know that i sat on a bench and spoke to a friend from primary school who i hadn't seen in years. i know that at some point they pointed out a bug on the ground. and that's it. i can't remember what they looked like, what i looked like, where the bench was, what we spoke about, the species of bug. na-da. fuck all. i can't even remember what year that was in or if that was the first time we spoke.

it's like everything that happened from high school ending early due to covid all the way to being done with sixth form has been scattered. like a jigsaw puzzle but nothing fits together and the pieces have sentences on them in place of images. and the worst part is that i remember why clear as day.

from waking up to falling asleep, for years all i did all day, everyday, was fantasise about killing myself. i'd think of a plan, weigh out the pros and cons of the method, and then consider a different method. i'd walk home from sixth form past a parking lot, disgusted by the idea of being percieved. i'd consider whether or not it'd be lethal if i jumped from the top. every day. i think i stopped taking care of my hygine pretty quick. i felt disgusting. i was disgusting. i'd walk past kids my age in big groups while i would go days without speaking to anyone in a friendly way. and then things got really bad.

if the person sees this and realises this relates to them, please don't worry about it, or mention it. feel big headed assuming they'd feel anything but apathy towards me but still worth saying. i remember finishing elden ring and desperate for someone to think i was interesting, i posted about it online. someone i spoke to now and again for years messaged me for, i think help? maybe advice. dunno. i was excited at that, but then i re-read the message. GRANTED! i think this was just after i made a new account so it isn't on them at all for not recognising me; but when reading the message back, i remember it reading like an email. like, polite and friendly, but not familiar, y'know? the kinda thing you'd send to a stranger.

that, combined with a complete and utter lack of friends, like none at all irl, no exaggeration; led to me having what i'd call a crisis. don't know if it'd class as an identity crisis but that's as close as i can get to a definition.

that message was the nail in the coffin in all honesty.

i didn't exist.

outside of my home, i wasn't real. no photos, no friends, no presence. then, right after this, one day walking home the parking lot was surrounded by police. that was all my brain needed to decide that this would be the perfect place to die. i can't remember a single day of sixth form. only the fact that i wanted to die everytime i left my bedroom. what a waste.

i managed to push through until i graduated with shit all grades by coming up with any and every excuse not to kill myself, the main one being that my death would be an inconvenience for whoever had to scrape up what was left of my corpse.

things got better after that, not much better like, but that's still too recent for me to talk about. when days get really bad, even despite my meds, i find myself wishing for just a moment, that i just killed myself when i had the chance.

but i recognise now that those thoughts are the symptom of a disease. i don't need excuses anymore. i'm stronger than that. i'll die when the world wants me gone. got a gut feeling that it'll be sooner rather than later, but that's okay. all i wanna do now is enjoy being alive while i can; be nice if i had someone to do that with but that's skipping a couple hundered steps lol.

reading all of this back now that i can sort through it, i've realised something that scares me. i haven't recovered. feeling disgusted being percieved in public, feeling ashamed and insecure when i see people my age with friends and plans for the future. i kinda thought i'd beat those. guess not.

in a little more positive note, nowadays i can at least look back on this stuff and recognise where i made mistakes. for example, even though i still feel awful looking at pictures of me, i still take them occasionally and post them online as if to say "here i am!". i look fuck ugly but at least i'm there, a real person, even if no-one sees me. plus the meds, plus i have a job which has kinda forced me to learn basic social skills, autism be damned. things are good. i feel alive for the first time, as far as i can remember at least.

it's kinda funny with these, i feel embarassed at just the thought of this being read but at the same time, i really want people to read this. i want to be interesting. i want to matter.

anyway, i'm going to bed now. hopefully i won't have to trauma dump like this again but then again, that is kinda why i made this.

11/10/26 - Ikea trip

went to ikea with my family today.

the entire time walking around the shop i couldn't help but look around at the other customers near us. some were with friends, some with partners, some talking about getting furniture for their flat; just regular stuff. this always happens. even though i'm with my family i feel like i'm alone; not physically but socially. seeing people living a life, not a better life like but... i dunno. a full life? a real life maybe? i wish i could chalk it up to jealousy because that'd be easy but, it isn't. it's hard to pin down what exactly it is that makes me feel so horrid.

i think it's shame?

shame for not having friends maybe. hell it might not be shame at all, that's just the closest equivalent that I can identify. i do wish that i could give a name to my feelings, everythings just a little off, just far enough away from a proper definition. i remember i was asked to name emotions people were feeling in stock images when i was diagnosed with autism. i could do that just fine but when they asked me to describe my emotions, how i felt, i couldn't give them a straight answer. what a weird thing to be stuck with.

oh and i got some masks from ikea and stuck them on my wall, they look really cool didn't cost much for like 7 of em'. so that was good at least!

9/10/26 - whoopsie

added a new entry that i wrote down in my phone notes a couple hours ago (it's 05:36am) and it broke the javascript, should be fixed now though. i've been putting off making an external .js document because i'd get distracted but i think i need to so that i don't fuck everything like i just did. let's home everything works now eh?

7/10/26 - New month, new entry

lady at work called my new glasses frame cute. second best compliment i've ever gotten. genuinely over the moon, hence the reason i've gotten around to adding to this. a good mood does wonders for motivation, who'd a thunk it? gonna talk about social stuff so if you don't care you can go head and skip this one.

i, at my big age of 22, went to see a movie with a friend for the first time. well, i went to see one with a group back in i think primary school but that was a nightmare #4thwheel. but yeah, went to see the resident evil movie with a friend and as odd as it sounds, i'm a little proud of myself. i thought i did pretty well at... i guess existing? being social might be the better term but i dunno how to say it. i still struggled with eye contact especially since it was just the two of us which was tough. i had no idea whether i was staring at them or not looking at them enough but that's just kinda how it is; autism and all. i also asked that same friend to look over the site a while back so everything should be working correctly. they might see this if they bother checking this so if they are reading this, hi-hi! the movie was pretty great, got got by literally every jumpscare and damn near jumped out of my seat at one point so that was totally not embarrasing at all. but not the mortifing, i'm gonna kill myself soon i swear, kinda embarrassing that i'm used to. it was just kinda funny, which was really nice. not quite used to that but i liked it, it was nice. other than hoping i wasn't weird or creepy, that's about that for that!

i'm not too sure how i feel about people that i know irl seeing these but then again, part of making all this was to expose me to that kinda uncomfortable feeling. obviously if they aren't cool with it then whoopsie, i'll delete whatever makes them uncomfortable.

i kinda realised a problem i hadn't ever addressed when i started writing these for the first time; that problem being, i lie to myself constantly. as in like, telling myself that i don't like something or trying to convince myself that i'm not looking forward to something just so that if things fall through, i can protect myself from disappointment. in the days before i went to the cinema i decided to just try being excited. like actually looking forward to something for once and surprise surprise, it actually led to me enjoying myself more than i would have! hopefully, through this i can let/allow myself to be honest now that feeling bad isn't a risk.

all in all, shit's good! great even! a pretty high high honestly. getting to see a friend i've known for ages but haven't really seen in person in god knows how long was the happiest i've been in a real minute. hopefully things stay this way for a good while but we'll see!

5/10/26 - Almost done...

i'm this close to finishing the basic layout of the site. once i've got this down i should be able to complete the other pages just by copying the diary code and just tweaking it as needed. the last thing i have to do now is make it so that just one entry can be open at once, no need to manually close them everytime like you have to now.

didn't expect it to be as big of a pain in the arse as it has been but i think i'm getting close. managed to simplify the code for opening the entries at least, gonna update neocities once i've figured out the other issue. that and add images to make the page pop a little but that's on the sidelines for the forseeable future.

29/9/26 - To-do...

okay so i still stand by the fact that this kinda ivalidates the whole log idea but i wanna get this down before i forget all the shiz i wanna do and the log is gonna take too long.

SO! some of the stuff i need to do is...

draw doodles to decorate the individual pages...

decide on whether or not i want the colors to remain consistent across the whole site...

actually finish everything i wanna make...

add the 3 interest entries, 1 dream entry, 1 log entry and the 31 oc entries i have written down physically...

track down everything i need to fill the credits page...

and finally...properly learn html, CSS, and JS. i skipped a million steps because i got a little impatient which funnily enough slowed me down a whoooooooole bunch. then i can start adding stuff.

i've been looking at other sites every now and again and man, all of them are sick. it kinda sucks coming back to mine and how dull it looks but eh, it's a work in progress. plus as soon as i have everything working as it should i can just change the entire style of the site, CSS is easy peasy.

i do think i'm gonna ask a friend or two to look over this and see what they think criticism wise. it's good that i like what i've made but half the point of making all this was to make all this public, not very good if the public has problems reading the fonts or navigating the site. except some stuff, this is my site at the end of the day. still wanna know if it sucks tho.

28/9/26 - IT'S ALIVE!!! (kinda)

i've actually gone and made a very scuffed but still functional diary/blog page. there's still a fuck ton of improvements and changes that i wanna make to make it look and feel a little nicer to use but for now at least, shits's functional!!!!

i was gonna put the whole list of stuff i wanna make here but then there wouldn't really be a point in the log section. till i can get that up and running though i'm gonna stick to writing in my physical notepad for everything but the diary.

next on the list of shit to make is deffo the OC stuff; i have like 30 entries to type up and none of them are short so that's gonna take a good minute. plus i gotta actually port all this to neocities

oh and quick life update, crush left work months ago, still doing pretty well thanks to my meds, got a tattoo, things are good :)

29/7/26 - New notepad!

i've now gone through a full notepad, a few pages of my old one and now, a big ol' red one! really thought this site would be up and running a long time ago but hey! it'll be done when it's done.

14/6/26 = The Universe

don't think this'll be long but i kinda wanna write this down while it's in my head.

i saw a tiktok about God and the fact that since the universe exists, it must have a creator. i guess for religious people, since God is all powerful and universe is as alien as it is to us it must have been created by something equally as alien/powerful/miraculous. the video spoke about how the big bang created everything as we know it to be and that we have no idea what caused it and therefore, it must have been divine in some form.

i can't really get behind that though? i'm agnostic; if proof of a divine creator was found, like solid undeniable proof, I wouldn't be all too shocked. "but Lua, If there wasn't a creator, how did the big bang happen?"

well dear reader...

dunno. i'm too dumb for science. in my mind, before the big bang was just... something. Maybe something familiar, something alien, something so out there we'll never figure it out, or maybe nothing at all? it's all a little irrelevant to me. all power to scientists though, i love explanations, i just don't need them for everything, y'know? like yeah we can calculate how strong our gravity is and how it works and with that info people can do incredible things, but things just kinda fall.

i'm writing this at 5am if you couldn't tell. figured I may as well write something for when N.K. is up and running even if it dosen't make sense.

time isn't a line, it's a canvas. there's a now, an after, a before, a before, a bellow, something kinda off diagonally, me somewhere, me everywhere, you too. always. isn't that swell? :P

3/6/26 - Crush

first actual diary entry! hopefully i can finish N.K. at some point so i can stop writing in my journal but, eh.

anyway, long story short, i think i might be getting a small crush on my co-worker. the co-worker stuff is annoying and in all honesty, it would probably be worse for me than good, BUT, this is huge!

ignoring the fact that i'm 22 and freaking out over maybe having a crush, this is big. genuinely.

i haven't had a crush since maybe year 7 or 8 of high school, which is about when the first symptoms of depression initially sprung up (as far as I can remember at least). my self image and the viceral disgust i felt, and still feel now and again, kinda broke that part of me. it was never really a priority but just the fact that it disappeared from my brain as an option terrified me. my hatred for myself was so loud I couldn't even accept that someone could make that kind of impression on me.

now though? i think, and really really hope that that part of me might finally be alive again. sertraline (zoloft) might actually be working! i wasn't sure if it was doing anything or if i was just riding the high of making progress as a person, but if i'm right, i could actually be fixed. well, maybe not "fixed", more so assisted.

my depression isn't going anywhere any time soon, but thanks to the wonderful power of drugs, i might be able to float without feeling the ancor pulling me pulling me under for the first time in a decade!